Whither the handshake?

 

So what will really change when we emerge from our houses to the world’s altered landscape?

Yes, bowling shoes, buffets and salad bars will become remnants of a time when we could still breath near each other. But one staple of business meetings, interviews and 3-martini lunches, the handshake, is on the chopping block to become a COVID casualty.

During quarantine I’ve watched commercials and old television shows (Pre-March 1^st) in  horror as people shake hands and then eat a meal. It’s suddenly as unpleasant as the endless videos showing a sneeze plume traversing the shelves of a grocery store and smothering the unsuspecting.

There has been some inspired improvisation, but nothing says hello like grabbing someone’s hand and making a sawing motion.

It’s one of the first formulas of adulthood from my father: Good eye contact plus firm handshake equals good impression. 

But what could replace it?

I’ve seen the boot touch, but it seems to require a bit too much dexterity to become widespread.

There is the Namaste bow, a slight bend at the waist, prayer hands in front, but I’m sure it will have its detractors.

The elbow touch, was demonstrated in all its uncomfortable awkwardness by Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders in their empty debate hall.

The fist bump, as well as the high five are way too close to the handshake, far too much skin contact.

There is the wink which has the advantage of obeying the six feet of social distancing but could get awkward real quick.

They say President Kennedy’s discomfort with headwear signaled the demise of the hat business in the United States. But like many things that might be returning we could see a reemergence of the fedora, the panama hat, perhaps the bowler leading to a return of the hat tip.

There’s always the curtsy or a bow one might do before a queen, but once we start having differences for men and women, there’s lots of judgment.

The end-of-the-performance bow, where the arm unfurls a la Liberace might make a comeback.

A dancing friend suggested parties mirror each other like the Macarena or the Electric Slide. Again this could favor the more gifted or rhythmically inclined.

It’s very hard to be bad at the handshake, other than being too soft or too strong which is only then known by the recipient. Being bad at a dance move as you walk up to a table of strangers might not be the entrance one is looking for.

Perhaps the hand clap: You walk up to a table and each of you burst into a round of mutual applause. But when do you stop?

The wave:  Not the hand wave, but the wave they do at stadiums. You enter a room of strangers and everyone stands one at a time. Yes it’s one-sided but very welcoming. It could encourage people to show up late for meetings.

The hand over heart is a gesture sometimes seen on stage by grateful performers or speakers as a way of thanking their audience. While often confused with cardiac trouble, it might fit the occasion.

But is there anything that could really replace the intimacy of the handshake: the grip, the ability to get close to someone, the chance to really size up a person from the start?

Should the coronavirus linger in a divided country unable to agree on much, perhaps exchanging a hand wipe, a pair of latex gloves and a thermometer are the best way to kick things off.